Def.: Failure refers to the state or condition of not meeting a desirable or intended objective, and may be viewed as the opposite of success.
So my birthday is tomorrow, I'll be 35. It was supposed to be a day filled with so many things other than birthday wishes. It was supposed to be a new life in some aspects, the culmination of so many years of frustration and struggle with weight and self esteem and self belief and real change all colliding in what was to be the greatest effort of my life to date. Well, it will be none of that, it's more of the same, more of the could've been, another year to file away in the "didn't get it done folder", yet another epic fail at losing weight.
I did lose some weight, About 30lbs and have kept it off, so there is a small victory there, but all in all I'd love to say that I had a good reason, that experiencing a really tough work year affected me too much, or that struggling through my mom's illness and coming to realize it could have killed her made it to hard to get this done. But thats just more excuse making.
I guess I just wanted to be real and let those of you who took the time to follow this blog and offer your support and encouragement know what's up. I'm grateful for each of you. I don't feel like I owe you this update, but it's deserved none the less.
I found it interesting that with all of the support and encouragement I had (and still have) when I got to the point of knowing my goal was slipping out of reach, I've never felt lonelier, it was such a empty feeling, like a train that once it got moving, there was no stopping it.
I suppose I could take shelter beneath the umbrella of self help or live in the land of the "failure is not an option" hero's, but for me that's not my reality, I have to own the shame and embarrassment that comes with this, to pretend that this was anything other than an epic fail would be a lie. I guess that's all I want you to know, what I want myself to know, that I'm owning this enormous failure...but also that it's not over yet
Monday, January 30, 2012
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Still on Mission?
So it's been a while since my last post....sorry!
I got a text early this week from a friend and it read..."Checking in. How'd the weekend go? Still on Mission?"
I have to keep that perspective that I am certainly on a mission. And in looking ahead I want to be able to say "Mission Accomplished!" But as I was reminded by another friend...I have to focus on each day, sometimes literally down to the hour. That is tough when you want big results and you want them now! But the 120project is a process and as I am able to "dial in" on diet, excercise, etc. the results will come, the Mission will be accomplished.
So you might be asking what was your reply back to your friend? I was able to tell him "yes, still on mission". I have been working really hard, eating clean, being disciplined to put in the work. I really, really, really want this, I have so much to gain from being a big loser! While the work I'm putting in sucks on so many levels, my knees are bothering me (i have torn meniscus in my left knee), cardio is boring, and I still just want to say screw it sometimes...I have not done that. My energy levels are getting better, (sleep is vitally important to my recovery...and yours to for that matter!), I have support from a lot of angles...thank you! I find myself looking forward to it on some days...because I know it has to be done, no two ways about it. I am looking fwd to some warmer weather so I can venture outside for a change of pace.
The other reason I find myself looking forward to the workouts or should I say the results from the workouts is because...I'm down 15lbs in 3weeks!!! And that makes this fat boy happy...kind of like a bbq buffet used to! So my prayer has been that I could continue to endure the workouts with the way my knees feel and that I would not let the progress actually cause me to let off of the gas pedal.
"They" say defining your "why" is vitally important to one's success. Why are you doing what you are doing? What/Who pushes you to want to achieve that goal/dream,etc.? I have so many "Why's" that run through my head every day, so many strong "why's", yet still when it gets down to it...it's me that has to do the work. I guess I'd say I have a primary why and a lot of secondary why's. I'm doing this for me point blank, period. I know so many people want this for me, but bottom line: Mike has to want it for Mike.
Mike wants it.
I got a text early this week from a friend and it read..."Checking in. How'd the weekend go? Still on Mission?"
I have to keep that perspective that I am certainly on a mission. And in looking ahead I want to be able to say "Mission Accomplished!" But as I was reminded by another friend...I have to focus on each day, sometimes literally down to the hour. That is tough when you want big results and you want them now! But the 120project is a process and as I am able to "dial in" on diet, excercise, etc. the results will come, the Mission will be accomplished.
So you might be asking what was your reply back to your friend? I was able to tell him "yes, still on mission". I have been working really hard, eating clean, being disciplined to put in the work. I really, really, really want this, I have so much to gain from being a big loser! While the work I'm putting in sucks on so many levels, my knees are bothering me (i have torn meniscus in my left knee), cardio is boring, and I still just want to say screw it sometimes...I have not done that. My energy levels are getting better, (sleep is vitally important to my recovery...and yours to for that matter!), I have support from a lot of angles...thank you! I find myself looking forward to it on some days...because I know it has to be done, no two ways about it. I am looking fwd to some warmer weather so I can venture outside for a change of pace.
The other reason I find myself looking forward to the workouts or should I say the results from the workouts is because...I'm down 15lbs in 3weeks!!! And that makes this fat boy happy...kind of like a bbq buffet used to! So my prayer has been that I could continue to endure the workouts with the way my knees feel and that I would not let the progress actually cause me to let off of the gas pedal.
"They" say defining your "why" is vitally important to one's success. Why are you doing what you are doing? What/Who pushes you to want to achieve that goal/dream,etc.? I have so many "Why's" that run through my head every day, so many strong "why's", yet still when it gets down to it...it's me that has to do the work. I guess I'd say I have a primary why and a lot of secondary why's. I'm doing this for me point blank, period. I know so many people want this for me, but bottom line: Mike has to want it for Mike.
Mike wants it.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
"Everything in Between"
This was the title of the ESPN show tonight documenting Tim Tebow's journey from The University of Florida to a first round pick of the Denver Broncos. No matter how you feel about Tebow, love or hate, if you watched the program, what stood out to me was the level of excellence in EVERYTHING he did. Whether it was completely re-vamping his throwing motion or watching him train his body to endure the rigors of the NFL, he did even the mundane the best he could, with intentionality.
Ultimately Tebow wanted to be drafted, which he was, but it was all the work in between that made him "draftable" and that spoke to me in a big way tonight.
While my goal doesn't involve being drafted by an NFL team (though I did dream about it at one point in my life, that dream eventually made it on one of the lists I mentioned in my last post!). My goal does involve huge life changing, life giving repercussions and that excites me, but it isn't going to just happen to me, I have to happen to it. Certainly I want to keep my eyes open on the big picture, but the goal will be reached by being excellent in the mundane. I believe there is LIFE to be found there as well, in fact I believe God shows up there more than I know.
This week has been tough mentally and physically, my choices involving food are vital to my success, but so are the intensity levels that I give during my workouts, the amount of sleep I get, how much water I drink, how many calories in take in, how many calories I burn,when I eat them, how often I eat them, writing it all down, etc.etc.etc. Also know as the mundane,boring, hard, difficult, strenuous,intimidating details. My goal is excellence in these areas so that I can reach my goal of losing 120lbs. This is hard for me, b/c to be honest I want results now (remember men are like microwaves!). I can't do it alone, so I have really appreciated the words of encouragement and interest in me, it fuels me to want this even more, so thank you!
What about you? What about your daily mundane tasks? Could there actually be LIFE there? Could it be that you are right where God wants you? I asked myself these questions this week about my work, about this whole 120project stuff, about being a husband and a father...do I/we do the mundane well? Or do I only find life in those things that are "big" or that benefit me or that I know I'm good at? For me, my perspective (along with my heart) must change and the 120project is forcing me to do this. There is LIFE in "Everything in Between". Be Intentional.
recurring thought of the day:
The 120project is about SO much more than losing weight.
Ultimately Tebow wanted to be drafted, which he was, but it was all the work in between that made him "draftable" and that spoke to me in a big way tonight.
While my goal doesn't involve being drafted by an NFL team (though I did dream about it at one point in my life, that dream eventually made it on one of the lists I mentioned in my last post!). My goal does involve huge life changing, life giving repercussions and that excites me, but it isn't going to just happen to me, I have to happen to it. Certainly I want to keep my eyes open on the big picture, but the goal will be reached by being excellent in the mundane. I believe there is LIFE to be found there as well, in fact I believe God shows up there more than I know.
This week has been tough mentally and physically, my choices involving food are vital to my success, but so are the intensity levels that I give during my workouts, the amount of sleep I get, how much water I drink, how many calories in take in, how many calories I burn,when I eat them, how often I eat them, writing it all down, etc.etc.etc. Also know as the mundane,boring, hard, difficult, strenuous,intimidating details. My goal is excellence in these areas so that I can reach my goal of losing 120lbs. This is hard for me, b/c to be honest I want results now (remember men are like microwaves!). I can't do it alone, so I have really appreciated the words of encouragement and interest in me, it fuels me to want this even more, so thank you!
What about you? What about your daily mundane tasks? Could there actually be LIFE there? Could it be that you are right where God wants you? I asked myself these questions this week about my work, about this whole 120project stuff, about being a husband and a father...do I/we do the mundane well? Or do I only find life in those things that are "big" or that benefit me or that I know I'm good at? For me, my perspective (along with my heart) must change and the 120project is forcing me to do this. There is LIFE in "Everything in Between". Be Intentional.
recurring thought of the day:
The 120project is about SO much more than losing weight.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Fuh-getta-bout-it?
I live in a place far to often where I focus WAY to much on the "what if's", the "woulda,shoulda,coulda's",and the "if only's". It is a miserable place to reside for any time at all. But it's a place i know all to well. There's a lengthy list in my head of "Mike's missed opportunities" or there's the "You Can't so why even try?" list, or my personal favorite (kidding) "You're really average fatty, so let's not get crazy here". You get what I'm saying and I'm just being real. The impostor has a grip on me that I'm trying to break, the 120project is part of that process.
It's abundantly clear that I need to give parts of my past a big middle finger,but I don't think I should just "fugettaboutit". It did happen,right? and there's a lot I can learn from it. My problem is I dwell in it and live in it. I am learning to let it push me forward and it gives me a reference point in certain ways. I guess it should be like my rear view mirror in my car, I catch a quick glance of what's behind me, but if I looked at it the whole time I'd never see what's in front of me right now or around the next "curve". I guess that's why the windshield is bigger than the rear view! Eureka!
Learn from the past, plan for the future, LIVE in the present. This "equation" brings me hope.
Hope is defined as - A confident expectation.
My Real Hope rests in Christ. Though I may struggle to live in that hope, I have a confident expectation that my future has been shaped and molded by him and that I can cling to that daily, especially in looking ahead to were I want to be in 13 mos., not only a true "Trophy Husband" but be that person I see in my head waiting to break free.
I found this quote a friends facebook page today:....word!
"Our yesterdays hold broken and irreversible things for us. It is true that we have lost opportunities that will never return, but God can transform this destructive anxiety into a constructive thoughtfulness for the future. Let the past rest, but let it rest in the sweet embrace of Christ.
Leave the broken, irreversible past in His hands, and step out into the invincible future with Him."
-Oswald Chambers
Workout:
8 deadlifts
8 Hang cleans
8 thrusters
8 pushups
x 6 + 1hr of cardio
food log:
B-4egg omlet, 1 piece wheat toast, black coffee
L- Turkey Bean Salad, Unsweet Tea
Snack- chicken,apple, almond mix w/spicy mustard
D- Chicken thighs and collard greens! left over no added stuff. Water
Snack-1 greek yogurt, 1cup mixed berry smoothie.
i'm spent! rock out tomorrow!
It's abundantly clear that I need to give parts of my past a big middle finger,but I don't think I should just "fugettaboutit". It did happen,right? and there's a lot I can learn from it. My problem is I dwell in it and live in it. I am learning to let it push me forward and it gives me a reference point in certain ways. I guess it should be like my rear view mirror in my car, I catch a quick glance of what's behind me, but if I looked at it the whole time I'd never see what's in front of me right now or around the next "curve". I guess that's why the windshield is bigger than the rear view! Eureka!
Learn from the past, plan for the future, LIVE in the present. This "equation" brings me hope.
Hope is defined as - A confident expectation.
My Real Hope rests in Christ. Though I may struggle to live in that hope, I have a confident expectation that my future has been shaped and molded by him and that I can cling to that daily, especially in looking ahead to were I want to be in 13 mos., not only a true "Trophy Husband" but be that person I see in my head waiting to break free.
I found this quote a friends facebook page today:....word!
"Our yesterdays hold broken and irreversible things for us. It is true that we have lost opportunities that will never return, but God can transform this destructive anxiety into a constructive thoughtfulness for the future. Let the past rest, but let it rest in the sweet embrace of Christ.
Leave the broken, irreversible past in His hands, and step out into the invincible future with Him."
-Oswald Chambers
Workout:
8 deadlifts
8 Hang cleans
8 thrusters
8 pushups
x 6 + 1hr of cardio
food log:
B-4egg omlet, 1 piece wheat toast, black coffee
L- Turkey Bean Salad, Unsweet Tea
Snack- chicken,apple, almond mix w/spicy mustard
D- Chicken thighs and collard greens! left over no added stuff. Water
Snack-1 greek yogurt, 1cup mixed berry smoothie.
i'm spent! rock out tomorrow!
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Lost and Found
What's this all about?
This is the inaugural blog of The 120project.
What's The 120project? Well it's the life altering journey I have embarked on to lose 120lbs by January 31st 2012. Why this date? Well this day Also happens to be my 35th birthday.
I'll elaborate later on several of the reasons as to why I'm doing this and what makes me think it'll get it done this time,having tried to lose weight in the past and having seen success and a lot of failure.
In my reflection on my life it's amazing what not losing weight has cost me but in looking ahead it's more amazing what I stand to gain for what I know will be one of if not the most difficult things I've ever done. The "things" I've LOST are hard to think about and cause me to be flooded with regret,hurt, and doubt. Bust just as strong are the things I hope to "FIND"' they bring hope, freedom, inspiration, reclamation, and LIFE! I've decided to share my thoughts, struggles, and victories through this blog, so feel free to comment, I know I'll need the encouragement to press on.
This is the inaugural blog of The 120project.
What's The 120project? Well it's the life altering journey I have embarked on to lose 120lbs by January 31st 2012. Why this date? Well this day Also happens to be my 35th birthday.
I'll elaborate later on several of the reasons as to why I'm doing this and what makes me think it'll get it done this time,having tried to lose weight in the past and having seen success and a lot of failure.
In my reflection on my life it's amazing what not losing weight has cost me but in looking ahead it's more amazing what I stand to gain for what I know will be one of if not the most difficult things I've ever done. The "things" I've LOST are hard to think about and cause me to be flooded with regret,hurt, and doubt. Bust just as strong are the things I hope to "FIND"' they bring hope, freedom, inspiration, reclamation, and LIFE! I've decided to share my thoughts, struggles, and victories through this blog, so feel free to comment, I know I'll need the encouragement to press on.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)