Def.: Failure refers to the state or condition of not meeting a desirable or intended objective, and may be viewed as the opposite of success.
So my birthday is tomorrow, I'll be 35. It was supposed to be a day filled with so many things other than birthday wishes. It was supposed to be a new life in some aspects, the culmination of so many years of frustration and struggle with weight and self esteem and self belief and real change all colliding in what was to be the greatest effort of my life to date. Well, it will be none of that, it's more of the same, more of the could've been, another year to file away in the "didn't get it done folder", yet another epic fail at losing weight.
I did lose some weight, About 30lbs and have kept it off, so there is a small victory there, but all in all I'd love to say that I had a good reason, that experiencing a really tough work year affected me too much, or that struggling through my mom's illness and coming to realize it could have killed her made it to hard to get this done. But thats just more excuse making.
I guess I just wanted to be real and let those of you who took the time to follow this blog and offer your support and encouragement know what's up. I'm grateful for each of you. I don't feel like I owe you this update, but it's deserved none the less.
I found it interesting that with all of the support and encouragement I had (and still have) when I got to the point of knowing my goal was slipping out of reach, I've never felt lonelier, it was such a empty feeling, like a train that once it got moving, there was no stopping it.
I suppose I could take shelter beneath the umbrella of self help or live in the land of the "failure is not an option" hero's, but for me that's not my reality, I have to own the shame and embarrassment that comes with this, to pretend that this was anything other than an epic fail would be a lie. I guess that's all I want you to know, what I want myself to know, that I'm owning this enormous failure...but also that it's not over yet
