Def.: Failure refers to the state or condition of not meeting a desirable or intended objective, and may be viewed as the opposite of success.
So my birthday is tomorrow, I'll be 35. It was supposed to be a day filled with so many things other than birthday wishes. It was supposed to be a new life in some aspects, the culmination of so many years of frustration and struggle with weight and self esteem and self belief and real change all colliding in what was to be the greatest effort of my life to date. Well, it will be none of that, it's more of the same, more of the could've been, another year to file away in the "didn't get it done folder", yet another epic fail at losing weight.
I did lose some weight, About 30lbs and have kept it off, so there is a small victory there, but all in all I'd love to say that I had a good reason, that experiencing a really tough work year affected me too much, or that struggling through my mom's illness and coming to realize it could have killed her made it to hard to get this done. But thats just more excuse making.
I guess I just wanted to be real and let those of you who took the time to follow this blog and offer your support and encouragement know what's up. I'm grateful for each of you. I don't feel like I owe you this update, but it's deserved none the less.
I found it interesting that with all of the support and encouragement I had (and still have) when I got to the point of knowing my goal was slipping out of reach, I've never felt lonelier, it was such a empty feeling, like a train that once it got moving, there was no stopping it.
I suppose I could take shelter beneath the umbrella of self help or live in the land of the "failure is not an option" hero's, but for me that's not my reality, I have to own the shame and embarrassment that comes with this, to pretend that this was anything other than an epic fail would be a lie. I guess that's all I want you to know, what I want myself to know, that I'm owning this enormous failure...but also that it's not over yet
we humans may call the initial challenge a "failure" because that is how our language works. and yes there is a disappointment that we experience when we don't do what "we" intended to. But just like when good things happen and we see clearly in reflection how god pursued and wined and dined us and brought about so much more then we even asked.......it is the same in failure. God did his work and is doing his work. Do you think a year ago if someone asked you if you could have written something like this post as open and honest as you did that you would answer "yes".......? I know that internal emotional victory of confession and complete transperancy doesnt trump the sadness of the missed initial set out goal, but it is still a victory non the less. and I know that the way your honesty affected me is not an isolated thing, I know that many people will be moved and affected by your confession. That is the glorious thing about shame, we let it beat us down for way longer then we should, BUT then when we manage to slap it in the face it bows to the Spirit and its bowing has so many ripple affects of hope and transformation. That is not a small thing, soak it in, find hope in it, and celebrate the huge weight that you did shed, SHAME. That is the beauty of real honest confession of our inner spirit......it is weight lifting and it can't help but affect other people in crazy impactful ways. I would imagine that the days leading up to typing this post were hard, you went back and forth and put off typing it. But heck that wavering sometimes feeling weak and crappy is not who you are but who we are under the shadow of shame. you have lifted that shame and you will continue to feel free to live from the true place that god has created in you. authentically you, and authentic mike is a unique beautiful amazingly impactful being.......we crave your true self, you are one of those people that has been gifted by god with a spirit that is tender, funny, caring, giving and just plain ole cool. this is not about a confession of failure but about a step closer to you allowing yourself to be the person that god has crafted you to be. this is not a trite pep talk, this is rubber meets the road reminder that the "aha moments" are never about the surface "aha" but about the deeper life changing pursuit of jesus stripping away our perspectives on life and replacing them with his tender glorious story of his truth and love
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